Rough nights

I think the last week was mellow. For the first week of ny wife’s new job , I agreed to be the primary caretaker for our son.

This meant going into work late. And leaving early. There were quite a few doctors appointments, too. 

I was busy enough to not feel the worst of the usual emotions.

But it was at night that things were rough. I woke up many times every night. It was triggered by terrible thoughts and nightmares. Infidelity, my mind conjured up cruel things and I imagined my wife mocking me and cruelly crushing my self esteem.

I woke up with a start and with a sick sinking feeling. My sons gentle face next to me gave me some comfort.

Many of the things that I was dreaming of havent happened. My subconscious was attacking me. The worst of my fears were colluding with suggestions of reality.

So I resolved to not dwell. I told myself , this isnt about what my wife did, but about how my mind works. And I have to stop paying it heed. Especially if it makes me feel terrible and it never actually happened.

Its strange to accept that most of the battle ahead will be in the confines of my mind. I have to bring my negative thoughts to heel. I have to rewire how I percieve happiness and joy. I have to build mental discipline to achieve things I care about. Mental discipline to not do things that are repetitve and bring only short term joy.

I think I will many a rough nights ahead. But I begin to be hopeful that I can survive. 


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