What is it about the end of my marriage that has troubled me so deeply?
I did enjoy the company, the intimacy, and the sheer thrill of having an attractive spouse. I loved the idea of what we had built together. And more than anything, I enjoyed the thought of having someone to share my life with and growing old together.
But as time has gone by, another thought has slowly gripped me.
Was I happy in my marriage? Were we right for one another? What was my marriage really doing for me?
I think the answer to the first two question is a no. The third one is a lot more complex to answer. I am afraid of being lonely, but is that a good reason to stay married? I sacrificed a lot for my wife, but was that love? I was cared for, a house kept beautifully, awesome food made , and I was often left to work or hedonistically enjoy life.
However, there were many things I was unhappy about. There was a lack of an intellectual connection on pretty much everything. We could never see eye to eye on almost all matters, from religion, money, to raising our son, and to priorities in life.
There was an absolute lack of empathy for what it was costing me to really provide the lifestyle that we had.
Two other things troubled me deeply about my marriage. An absolute lack of desire to communicate. My wife was one of those people who thought that talking is tedious, and things should just be okay. And the other was not being strong. My wife rarely exhibited strength. She would fold and come apart at the first sign of pressure. In this sense, I could never count on her as an emotional support.
And later as she became more withdrawn, she would even emasculate me by saying that my need for emotional support was woman like.
Is it a good thing that my marriage is done? Is it better than perhaps the delusion I was living with. Delusion of a loving marriage. As deep as my sense of loss is, I can’t help but feel a sense of liberation.
I felt taken for granted for year, stuck in an uneven partnership. I was very tired of having to endlessly provide for, and nurture communication with an uncommunicative spouse. It was taking everything out of me. I had lost all excitement for life.
I knew I was terribly unhappy. It wasn’t my spouse, just an unhappy marriage. I just was too scared to be alone to admit it.
The biggest question is whether I will be happy again? Or am I simply a man who does not know how to be happy.