Recovering from heartbreak

A cold and distant spouse

My wife told me to move out of the master bedroom. I left without a word. The first night I couldn’t sleep. And for all the night’s since, I haven’t slept too well either. I wake up with frantic nightmares of all sorts. My wife leaving. Her with another man. My son taken away from me. I wake up in the early hours of the morning, and then struggle to fall back asleep.

I am still very heavily in favor of fighting for my marriage. I want to lead with kindness. I want to be helpful around the house. But I also need to give her space.

This dynamic has not been working well at all. I try not to hover too much. But any attempt on my part to be kind or do something that is restorative in the least, is shot down. She either shoots it down immediately, or just tries to be noncommittal, and then later just says that she is not interested.

She is going out to meet her friends. It is particularly difficult for me to see her dress up and try and look attractive. To know it is not for me, tears at me heart. But then again, she has been doing this for better part of two years. She is wearing heels, which she never did before. She is drinking and smoking a lot.

I stayed home and watched our son, while she went out and rebelled. She would come back home in the early hours of the morning.  Not once did she bother telling me what was going on. Why?  I guess I will never know. There was so much time to change something.

The pain for offering my best self to her, and having it shot down repeatedly is cutting deep. I wonder how long I can keep up my “reconciliation  by being the man she wanted me to be”. In all honesty, its not an act. At least, from what I can tell. I cannot discount the fact, that perhaps, I am in shock and in denial.

The only times, we have had conversation, she repeats, that she has been long gone. That there is nothing more to talk about. I come away overtime with a crushed heart, but I cannot show my feelings to her. That I crushed her spirit, that I made her feel powerless.

I am beginning to wonder, if she is a woman I will recognize, even if she ever comes back.

I love my wife, and I hope to heal the gaping wound in her heart, and in the hope , restore our marriage. I pray for strength and I pray her heart is softened. And I pray for the happiness of our son.

 

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