I am still in the middle of the nightmarish storm.
It has been about 6 weeks since this chapter in my life began. 5 of those weeks, my wife was very hostile and would not tolerate even the slightest utterance of the hope of reconciling. She would draw away even more. She told me that there was nothing left between us, and that there was nothing left to go back to.
My fear has been that she has moved on, looks at me as a loser and is disgusted by me. She had said as much. She told me that the last year or so, that intimacy between us was not working for her and she was completely turned off by me. She told me that things were never quite right between us. And that she never felt the respect she thought she deserved.
I tried hard to set out a good vibe and led by example of why we should try and fight for our relationship. But, everytime I tried, I was shot down with a vengeance.
In her mind, she wants to move out as soon as she can. And she is trying to get financially independent. So her focus was to become more independent.
This went on for a few weeks, with her, increasingly becoming distant and hostile. While I kept my sorrow and anger in check. I felt betrayed because she didn’t fight for our marriage. She did not communicate openly. She did not share what was really happening to her. And to her love for me.
Then, one fine day, she shocked me by bursting into tears. She sat down and started crying. And she told me that, I was pulling away from her, and that was causing her to panic and put immense pressure on her to get more independent sooner than later.
At first, I thought that she finally wanted to reconcile. I felt nothing but heartfelt sorrow for her and love. I consoled her. But then she dropped a bombshell. She told me that she had a emotional affair with another man. That she had dreamt of a life with someone else.
What was shocking to me was that this had transpired before she had even told me. And, in fact, it was still going on the day she told me. She had broken it off, she assured me. And she made me swear that I could not tell anyone about this.
I asked if anything physical had transpired. The story she painted was that it went on for a month, and was just an emotional bond. That he was seeing someone else. So my wife was dreaming of building a life with a man who was seeing someone else. My soul was crushed. How undesirable was I?
I have been cheated on once before. And this was always my achilles heel. So to hear that my wife of ten years, had carried on an emotional affair, was and still is tearing a hole through me. I am trying my best to forgive, and in my present mindset, I can’t tell if I am reeling from shock and desperation OR if I am truly in a forgiving mindset.
I asked her a little more about the affair. Two things were obvious, she wanted to downplay her culpability in it. And she did not want anyone to know. So obviously she feels guilty about it. I wanted to know the name of the person. I wanted to know the circumstances of when it was called off. It had been called off recently, and supposedly because there was nothing there to go on.
As I seek reconciliation with my spouse, can I ever overcome the trust issues? Especially, when her stand, is that she wants to comfortably wait and watch how she feels, as I diligently go about trying to salvage our relationship.
Since her confession and breakdown, the hostility has been turned down a notch. But not much else has changed. She wants to give it a try, but is not particularly investing anything into it.
She is focused on her job hunt. And she tells me that there is no clarity for her while she does not have financial independence.
I am torn between seeking reconciliation and protecting myself from the wrathful cold heart of my wife. I want to console and protect her. Tell her that I will take care of her. But I also see that there is no love for her in my heart.
It will take a miracle for her to love me again, and love me in a way that is adequate recompense for her trespasses against the fidelity of our marriage.
I think, right now, its as much a question whether I want to be with her anymore. With someone who overlooked my massive sacrifices for her. Who took my love for granted and was to uncommunicative to even try and salvage things, when she clearly knew the the ship was sinking. I have lost a lot of respect for her through what I have found.
And I no longer know whether this relationship is worth salvaging. However, there is another part of me, which believes that all relationships will get here. And it will define me as a person , as to what I do now, and how I fight for something that mattered to me.
I would know . I would want to know, that I tried everything. And that I still had my dignity . That I was able to lead with forgiveness. That I have grown up from the time when all my heart knew was rage.