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My Dear Son- July 4th picnic

Today was 4th of July.

And another day has passed. I am now one day closer to losing you.

We went to a picnic with some friends, you had a great time playing with your friends.

I was busy most of the time grilling food for the picnic, but at least I knew that you were close by. I felt a bit nervous when I lost track of you. But part of parenting is to be able to trust your judgement. Its a difficult thing, but I hope that I have instilled in you some sense of whats dangerous and whats ok.

Its 3:15 am, and I am having a tough time thinking about what it will really mean to lose the one thing that matters so much to me. To not be able to hold you and put you to sleep. To not be able to hear your silly stories or just be around you when you come up with your fantasy laden stories.

I will miss a lot of that. And it tears me apart inside to know that I would miss even a single moment of your life. The closer the date arrives, the worse I feel inside.

I feel a sense of fear, unlike anything I have felt. That I would not be able to process what is to come. I thought that life had prepared me for this difficult test, but I was wrong. Instead , I will likely have to chart my course through this tragedy.

We have been going to the pool a lot. We play this game with these squid like toys. I throw them in the water and as they sink , you dive in and try and collect them.

You have gotten very good at it. I hope this will build some strength and foundation for your ability to swim. Its such a joy to see you try so hard to accomplish these difficult task. I am proud of you for trying consistently to learn how to swim. And I am happy that you are enjoying it . I know I push hard to keep you on track with instructions, but thats how I see my job as a father. To do the unpleasant things, that will serve you in the long run.

I never wanted to lose you, but I hope that my staying here in the US will secure your future in the long run. And I will work tirelessly to build that for you and for myself.

I started writing this feeling despondent, but as I thought of thhe day you had, I felt happier. I thought about the moment in the picture above. Bentley had just climbed on me and was “kneading”, when you asked to sit on my lap.

You rarely ask for that anymore. That was my favorite moment of the day. Thanks for being you. And thanks for being in my life.

– your dad.

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