Its the end of June, 2018. I am lying in bed at the westin resort in Maui after a particularly exciting day.
We spent the day sailing towards an island called Molokini in the pacific ocean. Its a sunken crater, with only the rim protruding above water. Because of high winds, our boat was redirected back to Maui for a more acceptable spot to snorkel.
I have been away from you for more than a week now. And I have missed you so much.
I called you today for just a brief moment, and you were watching some cartoons, and we spoke for a shorter time than I wanted.
You asked me if I was in Hawaii. Yes. I am in Maui.
It has been an incredible time here. I have so much I have to share with you. I experienced some very nice adventures. And I was thinking to myself that I cant wait to experience some of these adventures with you.
In about 6 weeks , you will leave with your mother to India. Words cannot describe how that makes me feel. But I will try. You deserve to know that I did not abandon you. Even though it feels like to me that I did.
How I wish I could have raised you myself. I wanted so desperately to keep you here with me. But, I couldn’t.
I will leave the explanation for my failure for another time. But for now, please know that you mean the world to me. And that losing you this coming August will be the toughest challenge in my life.
I want to continue writing this blog to express things to you that I cannot to a 6 year old child. And I will hope that one day, you will read this and have some understanding of this terrible tragedy that befell us.
I will always love you. But as of mid august, our relationship will change dramatically. I will no longer be able to read to you every night. I will no longer be able to make breakfast for you. Or be able to have those endearing conversations we have in the car about your various interpretations of life.
I will miss you terribly. My heart sinks, despite all the adventures I was able to experience in this last week. Somehow, I must overcome your loss. Somehow, I have to be a father that you will still love a decade from now and for the rest of your life.
I will write in this blog all the thoughts that bind me to you. I will write about all that you meant to me. And all that you will mean , now and in the future. I will tell you about my fears and my dreams. And I will write to you about how I felt that day I first held you.
I have a lot of hope that one day you and I will be united. And that somehow, you will be spared the deep scars of your separation from me.
We will soon be entering a new chapter of our lives. One where I will be your father at a distance. I will have to learn how to do that. I will need to learn, because I am not sure how it will work. And I am scared. Scared that you will drift away. But I am also hopeful that whAt I feel for you will always bind us. That you will choose to be back here with me someday soon.