Its 4:37 am, I am lying awake and thinking of my little man. He just turned 6. We had a little party for him, and everyone came. It was 7 kids and 10 adults, so medium sized party. I kept it simple. Pizza and ice cream cake for the little ones.
I was so happy for managing to do it. He had been sick with an ear infection the day of his planned birthday, and I had to call it off.
A week later , we set it up. Balloons, food , beverages for everyone. Sarah was a huge help as always. She set up all the gifts, and decorations.
But the real reason I write this on a Tuesday morning is that my heart aches for my son. I have let him down. My marriage is over, and as things have progressed , he will be going back to India with his mother.
It was a decision I made. I requested his mother to let me keep him, and she insisted that She wants him. I have three choices now.
- Fight her in court.
- Leave everything and go back to India.
- Or concede him and try to being him back to the US over time.
My wife expects me to do the second, and I am going with the third.
Its gut wrenching for me to let him go and Its a decision I hope no parent has to make.
The month of dec and jan was a big test. My mom had a real tough time, dealing with depression and anxiety and I cared for her . My brother and I had a falling out because he kept goading me on my failed marriage and said terrible things about mom.
I realized that I am all alone in the world with two exceptions. My son and Sarah. From here I must build my life. And yet here I am being asked to choose between my life and my life as a parent.
I don’t want to fight her in court. She has taken too much from me and I don’t want her to jeopardize this life I have built in the last year. A court battle will leave behind scorched earth. And it would be close to impossible to maintain an amicable relationship with her for Andrews sake.
And she would make my life hell. Between emotional turbulence, alimony and lawyer fees, my fragile life that is just being put together will fall apart.
And I don’t want her to have any leverage over me. But in reality she does. My boy.
I now know that there is no easy way to let him go. But I hope that my decision to let him go is the right one. The one in which, I get to live my life, and rebuild my shattered ego, and my family. And yet be a father to my son from thousands of miles away. Is that even possible?
I will see him once a year and our agreement is that he will come back for high school. So I am looking at a 8 year hiatus from being a hands on father.
I have spent a lot of my last couple months, trying to spend as much time with him as possible.
I have him Sunday-Thursday. I try to do something with him everyday. And this weekend I am taking him to San Diego to see seaworld, the zoo, and legoland.
I start a new phase in my life. Trying to be a good father to him while he is in India. But I also have to make it count. My new life and its freedoms come at a terrible price. And I feel overwhelmed to want to live a life that I can be proud of and that my son can look upto me , even though I wasnt there for him.