A tough week

My mom is not doing too well. I was travellig in India for a wedding when I first heard that she was experiencing extreme panic attacks. She was getting extremely concerned about her ability to board the flight back to India from San Francisco. 

No amount of convincing would give her any confidence. She was worried about getting lost at the airport. Worried about ataying her whole life in Singapore. Worried about not finding her driver in kolkata. It seemed like a case of extreme agoraphobia. It was difficult to make sense of it. It was very scary. 

Then a week or so into this, I was hit with terrible news. Mom had a seizure, had dislocated an arm. My brother dealt with the situation on the ground. It wasnt till two days after that, that I was on a flight back to San Francisco. I had not been sleeping much , because I wAs up chatting with my brother about moms condition. 

My girlfriend came to the airport to pick me up and from there we went to pick up my son from his mothers . She had arranged for a mini Christmas for both of us. It was so touching. She arranged for stockings for my son and me, filled with gifts. 

The very next morning we were off for our 6-7 hour drive to LA to see mom. Drive was uneventful except for My son throwing up right before we reached out destination. A bag full of vomit discarded and a quick cleanup in some sketchy neighborhood in LOs Angeles followed. 

Mom looked in really bad shape. She had aged 20 years in the three weeksa since she had stayed with me. She wasnt sleeping , wasnt eating, and basically didnt feel like doing anything. She was being extremely pessimistic, and extremely anxious about everything. 

I comforted her the best I could, but she was in a very different place. She was essentially suffering from xanax abuse. Withdrawal had triggered the seizure. And after that her brain was fried. 

Xanax and other benzodiazepines alter brain chemistry , and they are extreme depressants. She was reduced to the mental health of a 5 year old. 

It was decided in a flurry of options that we should try to send her back to India where we were going to arrange for round the clock care for her . With her seizure event , she needed to be watched very closely, and although I took off the next 2-3 weeks off from work, I couldnt really care for her 24-7 long term. 

My girlfriend and my son traveled with me. And my 5 year old had been promised through the year that he would go see legoland. So I set out to do something conflicted . I decided that I would take 3 days to let him see a few places in san diego before driving my mom back to san jose and caring for her for the next two weeks. 

But this decision was a difficult one. Mom didnt seem to be in any immediate critical condition and I was trying to balance the needs of a 5 year old wih those of my moms. 

The first day our plans were changed as we turned back to take mom to the ER. It was a concern about allergic reaction to some meds. After 5-6 hours in the ER, we left knowing that it wasnt a big concern. 

So again I tried to fulfill my promise to my son, and drove out to San Diego from Long beach. 

In all of this , there had been a lot of other drama with me and my brother. And my girlfriend revealed herself to be a true gem of a person. She dropped everything and travelled with me to care for my mom. She supported me emotionally and with all logistics. 

I feel like a little person in a whirlwind again, as I anticipate a very tough two weeks where I care for my moms fragile mental state and find a way to drive her back to san jose and the subsequently fly with her back to India. 

I am scared she may have a seizure on the flight. She is on an endless loop where ahe worries about everything. So it will be draining to give her hope . 

Its been a tough week, where I battled sleep deprivation, jet lag, stomach bug, family friction, moms mental and physical health issues. But it also helped me see how beautiful a person my girlfriend is. And how strong she really is. My strength and my rock. 

This is sad missive for the coming new year

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