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Range of emotions of the recently abandoned.

Nightmares are one of the last remaining emotional vestiges of my split with my spouse.

I get recurring nightmares where I am being cheated on. I wake up agitated and my hearts racing. Its a feeling I used to experience a lot. 

It will be a year soon, and it bothers me that despite things healing, there are reminders that trigger long resolved concerns and fears.

I lay in bed this morning, thinking about what are all these emotion I felt. Would I be able to name them?

Fear

This was the biggest component. A compounded fear of having lost a relationship and all the time and effort. Fear of losing my son. Fear of dying alone. Fear of never feeling loved.

Anger

I felt insulted by what had transpired. I believed that I deserved better.  My abandonment felt like a stark contrast to how I saw myself. I felt this rage . “How dare someone leave me?” . The anger also was a big part of the healing, no matter how petulant it was.

Humiliation

I have had a good to high opinion of myself. It enabled me to live through my somewhat difficult childhood. I always tried to get approval of the masses to feel good about myself. But when It became public knowledge that I had been cheated on, my pride took a beating. Stereotypically , I was the man women left. I still struggle wih this. Do certain types of men get cheated on? What type is that? I certainly dont want to believe that the world is a “cheat or be cheated on” type of place. 

That sinking feeling

I dont know what else to call it. Its that feeling you get when just after arriving at the airport for An international flight, you realize that your passport is back at home. 

Its all the negative feelings rolled into one. 

Its this feeling I get when I have my nightmares. I remind myself that my life will be a function of my continuing attitude going forward, and not the function of the worst tragedies if my life.

Ironically, as normalcy has returned to my life, that passionate zeal to live a good life unencumbered by loss has dimmed a little.

I find myself thinking about saving money, raising my child, having another, getting fat, worrying about my mothers health, the continuity of my career and my relationships.

In a sense I am glad , but the partial loss of that bold-I-can-handle-anything feeling is sad, although inevitable. 

I am happy to wake up next to my beautiful girlfriend. Host new friends this weekend, and prepare for my trip to India, and subsequent travels with family.

Stay tuned.

6 thoughts on “Range of emotions of the recently abandoned.”

  1. I know these feelings all too well. A strange sadness of the past which is hard to shake…. But intense hope for what is to be!

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      1. It’s not always easy to accept those emotions of the past I think….. I dont want them. I want nothing to do with them. I wish u could just feel joy about new life. ..

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