One of the frustrating and complicated things about my impending divorce is the fact that I cannot get divorced anytime soon.
I have now accepted that the divorce is going to happen. And I want to start moving on. I want to stop loving my wife, and hopefully just care for her as the mother of my child. But due to a complex situation with me and my wife, we will need to stay married for the foreseeable future. Maybe a year or two. I cannot elaborate right now.
This will make the catharsis that comes with moving on a little more difficult for us, perhaps. I am hoping I know what I am getting into. And that I can indeed start moving on.
Despite the terrible sense of loss and stigma I feel, I am beginning to accept that I was not loved by my wife for a long time. And that I was unhappy because of that. I was miserable because of it. There were so many times that I now remember that she was unkind with my feelings. And I thought it was just her having a bad day.
But now I know better.
I am beginning to feel that its better for us to be apart. And for me to have a chance to live the life I could never live before. I am accepting that the wife I thought I had in my mind, was rarely, if ever, the wife I actually had.
I know now that all the times I thought I had a loving wife having a bad day, I had a wife who had long moved on.
A dream ten years in the making is now gone. If I was a strong man, then I would be building and working on a new dream.
For now, I just wait, and try to put up the appearance of being strong, and hope that it sticks.