Before I delve deep into self-compassion and love. I think I need to re-define self-respect?
What is that I regret/loathe the most about myself?
- I let my body go.
- I pick up things and don’t finish them.
- I engage in many addictive behaviors.
- I don’t give enough of myself and to others.
- I dream of things and never do them or pursue them.
I am sort of making progress on the first.
For the second, I am hoping to pick a few things and finish some of them. This I think is the most important thing for me to overcome. I must be the man who does what he says he will do.
- Climb a mountain.
- Finish my tae-kwon-do black belt.
- Learn a language.
- Learn programming. Finish an algorithms course.
- Finish reading some of the books I have hoarded/borrowed.
I have not engaged in any of my addictive habits in more than a few months. My self-control has not given me too much satisfaction strangely. I still feel the pull of these things.
- No binge eating
- No gaming for hours
- No watching netflix for hours.
My dreams involve grand adventures. Being more gregarious and having interesting stories to tell. I dream of a career change. Do something different with my life. I dream of building a passive income stream.
I don’t know how many of these things are feasible to pursue while I grapple with this strangulating grief. But I also don’t know how to deal with grief, if I don’t fight for these things.