Before I delve deep into self-compassion and love. I think I need to re-define self-respect?
What is that I regret/loathe the most about myself?
- I let my body go.
- I pick up things and don’t finish them.
- I engage in many addictive behaviors.
- I don’t give enough of myself and to others.
- I dream of things and never do them or pursue them.
I am sort of making progress on the first.
For the second, I am hoping to pick a few things and finish some of them. This I think is the most important thing for me to overcome. I must be the man who does what he says he will do.
- Climb a mountain.
- Finish my tae-kwon-do black belt.
- Learn a language.
- Learn programming. Finish an algorithms course.
- Finish reading some of the books I have hoarded/borrowed.
I have not engaged in any of my addictive habits in more than a few months. My self-control has not given me too much satisfaction strangely. I still feel the pull of these things.
- No binge eating
- No gaming for hours
- No watching netflix for hours.
My dreams involve grand adventures. Being more gregarious and having interesting stories to tell. I dream of a career change. Do something different with my life. I dream of building a passive income stream.
I don’t know how many of these things are feasible to pursue while I grapple with this strangulating grief. But I also don’t know how to deal with grief, if I don’t fight for these things.
All the best for all of those activities. A fair bit on your plate to keep you engaged. You are brave. Algorithms give me hives.
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its a desperate attempt to avoid spinning into depression. Some people tell me that I am trying my best to avoid really facing my feelings, and doing everything to avoid accepting the real pain and loss.
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I say flush it out of your system. If this is your way then why not. There is no absolute right or wrong and you have to do what feels right to you.
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