I had a good run. Four days of feeling fairly decent and functional. Not too sad and hopeful that I would beat this.
Yesterday, it started to fall apart a little. And this morning, was rough.
One of the things that happened yesterday was that I really tried to acknowledge my part in my disintegrating marriage.
What are the top few things I would do different if I had the chance?
- Combat the fear, that has plagued me in life, by living a fuller life. My attitude towards life was that of fear based motivation. It forced me to do things, but it dug a deeper and deeper hole in terms of positive outlook on things.
- I was petty and small hearted. For most of my marriage, I embraced the principle of quid-pro-quo. Give and take. And in my calculus , what she did, was never enough. I kept score. Was not generous with kind words and action.
- Simply not fun anymore. What can I say? No one, including myself, wants to hang with someone who is not fun. Life is serious enough as it is. After I have finished my daily toil, I need to let go. Compartmentalize. And try and live life to the fullest.
I think, from the beginning, my wife probably felt she was not good enough. That her husband did not love her for who she was.
I feel sad for what she had to endure. I was the stronger one, and she needed me to be much more kinder to her. She needed me to handle her gently, whereas, I was too frustrated and scare to be able to do that.
If my wife were my child, I suppose, I would not want her to be with a man like me.
I now know the true cost of being a negative and unhappy person. You hollow out all around you, and don’t add anything of joy and happiness to the world. I will try not to be that kind of man anymore. Thats a pretty good start.
How do you add value to others around you? Leave a comment and give me some ideas.