Awkward Social Contact

Part of my recovery is based on making or learning to make new social contact. It will give me the tools and the confidence to grow my circle of friends.

My hope is to learn what it takes to befriend a person. The mechanics of doing it. The act of pushing myself outside my comfort zone to achieve it.

I have initiated social contact with about 4 people since the beginning of this new chapter of my life.

The first is a couple, and I like both of them. They seem nice and easy going. I asked them if they wanted to meet outside of the meetup context where we met. I am still waiting on them to take the next step. I don’t want to be too desperate.

Another person I met was a girl I met during a meetup. And she must be more than a decade younger than me. I met her for lunch. And it was a bit awkward. She was very quiet,  seemed like an introvert. We struggled to keep the conversation flowing, and I certainly talked  way too much to fill in the silence.

The other thing was, even though, I was not remotely thinking about dating her. I was very aware that I did not find her attractive at all. It makes me realize how insanely superficial I am about women. 

I will be meeting another girl , later this weekend. She is a divorcee, and I am hoping NOT to pick her brains about her divorce. But I am hoping to see if we can strike up some platonic conversation. It will be an exercise in not talking about things that get you down.

On the surface, given how wounded I am, I think my heart desires desperately for female attention. It would make me feel like a man again. Wanted. But this is precisely the desire I have to overcome.

Can I not be just a friend to a girl? I have certainly had platonic friends before, but mostly  when I was in a relationship. And when I was not, I always led with my judgement of the girl as a possible sexual partner.

And then finally, I am going to meet with a guy . Meet him for a drink. Is that weird?  I am hoping to learn how to keep social contact light and casual.I assume that men will form an important part of my social life, and I have to be ok with having a men-dominated social life. This will be a first for me.

Awkwardness is not too bad a thing, I suppose. I will need to suffer it, as I search for something that sticks. And I am sure, the people I meet, will find me awkward too.

I do wonder, though. Do I keep contact with someone with whom I find no real connection? Do I move on and find more people? Or do I keep pushing myself outside my comfort zone and try to like them.

Can I really learn to accept people who I naturally am pretty quick to dismiss?

One way or another, I have a really long ways to go. No patterns have formed yet. No casual relationships started yet.

Next on my list it to attempt an open-mic night.