Recovering from heartbreak

Fighting Depression

I woke up at 5 today. My little boy curled up next to me. I have had him sleep next to me, because its so therapeutic. I hold his tiny hands in mine as he snores lightly with his cold.

I kiss him and tell him that he will always be loved. That both mama and daddy will always love him. Having him sleep next to me has made sleeping a little easier for me. It reminds me that wonderful things came out of my failed marriage.

But, I always wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes at 2AM or maybe at 5AM. And I always have the same sinking feeling. My ten years that I invested in my marriage, I was hoping would allow us to grow old together. That I would always have someone to come home to.

But now, I am afraid, that I may not find someone. That all my failings in my marriage would make me a terrible suitor to any woman.

There is a lot of self blame, and I don’t think its healthy. I had my failings in the marriage, but I was always mindful of them, and tried to mitigate them. In the end, it was my wife, who decided to walk out. I cannot take the blame for that. Yes, she was unhappy. In ways, I was too. But I made my peace and focused on the things that were working for us.

I want to find the tendencies of depression I feel. A feeling of hopelessness, self-defeating thoughts about the future, and some fleeting dark thoughts about escaping this life. The reason those thoughts occur to me, I think, is because, I am telling myself that I would never be happy again.

I don’t think its that difficult to be happy. First, I need to replenish my reservoir of will power. I need to show myself that I can achieve difficult things. I need to prove to myself that I can improve some skills as long as I work on it.

Today, I woke up depressed, but then I fought it. I told myself to identify the triggers. And tried to stop them from getting too far. I told myself, that perhaps , I can be happy, just by myself, without a woman to validate me. Maybe thats possible. . I think this will be possible, if I can show myself that I am capable of overcoming obstacles and challenges. That I am willful man who can pursue my own desires and succeed.

The gauntlet has been thrown.

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6 thoughts on “Fighting Depression”

  1. I am sorry when I read your battle with depression. It is something I have witnessed in my own family, so I can only hope you have a strong support system. I cannot imagine the loneliness of being without your partner but it is a journey I suppose. All the best with it and may I say chin up.

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  2. You’re right to think that happiness is possible without a woman to validate you. First comes self-acceptance and self-love, allowing yourself to be who you are with all your wounds and scars. It’s a challenging journey but giving yourself the time to heal is essential. There is a way out of darkness 🙂 Sending you hope and blessings!

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    1. thank you so much…. I need all the help I can get. Every person who tells me to believe that there is light at the end of this, makes me feel that much less alone. I will fight. I have to . I remember a time, when I had a spark for life, and I want it back. for myself, my boy and others around me.

      Liked by 1 person

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