I woke up at 5 today. My little boy curled up next to me. I have had him sleep next to me, because its so therapeutic. I hold his tiny hands in mine as he snores lightly with his cold.
I kiss him and tell him that he will always be loved. That both mama and daddy will always love him. Having him sleep next to me has made sleeping a little easier for me. It reminds me that wonderful things came out of my failed marriage.
But, I always wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes at 2AM or maybe at 5AM. And I always have the same sinking feeling. My ten years that I invested in my marriage, I was hoping would allow us to grow old together. That I would always have someone to come home to.
But now, I am afraid, that I may not find someone. That all my failings in my marriage would make me a terrible suitor to any woman.
There is a lot of self blame, and I don’t think its healthy. I had my failings in the marriage, but I was always mindful of them, and tried to mitigate them. In the end, it was my wife, who decided to walk out. I cannot take the blame for that. Yes, she was unhappy. In ways, I was too. But I made my peace and focused on the things that were working for us.
I want to find the tendencies of depression I feel. A feeling of hopelessness, self-defeating thoughts about the future, and some fleeting dark thoughts about escaping this life. The reason those thoughts occur to me, I think, is because, I am telling myself that I would never be happy again.
I don’t think its that difficult to be happy. First, I need to replenish my reservoir of will power. I need to show myself that I can achieve difficult things. I need to prove to myself that I can improve some skills as long as I work on it.
Today, I woke up depressed, but then I fought it. I told myself to identify the triggers. And tried to stop them from getting too far. I told myself, that perhaps , I can be happy, just by myself, without a woman to validate me. Maybe thats possible. . I think this will be possible, if I can show myself that I am capable of overcoming obstacles and challenges. That I am willful man who can pursue my own desires and succeed.
The gauntlet has been thrown.