The lowest low ( My second chance never came)

I have been in a tail spin since the last two days. Sliding down a slippery slope, desperately trying to clutch at anything to arrest my fall.

Its over. Its over. Its over. 

I resisted for 2 months. And in that time, my wife repeatedly told me to move on because she was gone. What does it do to your self-esteem to try and love a woman who does not want anything to do with you?

I am at the edge of despair. But I know I must hold on. That if I don’t, the abyss will consume me.

Things can always get better or worse. I have to ask myself what role I want to play in it.

There are two primary areas in my life I have neglected. Health and relationships.

I will be doing a series of blogs documenting my desire to change my body. Here is the first one: My struggle with my body – Part 1.

The other is more scary. I will have to inculcate a circle of friends outside of the small tight one I have. I will be reaching out to old friends to rebuild bonds. The first step of a relationship is to initiate and maintain contact, and the second is to show up.

The culmination of all of this in my mind is romantic love. It has always been important to me. I don’t want to be with anyone for a while, but I want to think about the kind of man I want to be, and the kind of woman who will be good for me.

I found this article, and its a bit sad that I look for these: Things women find attractive.

Here is my own assessment of myself on those criteria listed in the article:

1. Drive. I barely have any. I have complained about having to work my job for years. I have been unable to get the body I wanted, or stay at a certain level of fitness. I am certainly intent of floating through life. I need to list physical and emotional challenges. I need to show myself that I am driven. Right now I know what I want, and if in 5-6 months I am well on my way that will prove my drive.
2. Presence. I failed here miserably for most of marriage. I checked out because my wife failed to keep my interest early on. It is very important for me think about what I want in a person. Chances are I have no clue. So my exercises in meeting new people might bring some clarity to this.
3. Humor. I am sort of a funny guy. But I understood that my wife was very sensitive to the kind of humor I would employ. She felt it was at her expense. Now I am just in a dark space, and don’t see myself as funny. Perhaps as an exercise, I can try to cheer up my friends when I am out, instead of moping in my sorrow.
4. Spontaneity. I am the least spontaneous person I know. I am trying to make changes here. From doing meetups and doing my spain trip. I believe I am becoming more spontaneous.
5. Intentional. How much effort do I spend to build the life around me that I want? And how much do I complain ? How much do I resign myself to my fate? I do a lot of giving-up and resigning, and I do a fair bit of complaining. I don’t do enough to try and be the change I want to see in the world. This is the   one thing that will make the most difference for me.
6. Leadership. This may not be that difficult for me. But still needs to be engaged to build confidence. My sense of leadership now involves making and maintaining social contact with old friends and new.
7. Vulnerability. This I could less of. When I am under pressure, I expect the world, and especially my spouse to give me an out. Something escapist, to help me dis-engage from my struggles.