I put up a good fight. And I lost. But I don’t want to accept it. Fellow bloggers have told me, as have my friends, that I should prepare for the end. That my expectations will drag me down.
Yesterday, my wife and I had a fight where she kept trying to tell me that I should not have any hope. It was very difficult for me to hear, even though I have known it for a while. I guess its obvious to her that I have hope, and that troubles her.
I was drunk, and I got angry and negative. But I suppose, none of it matters. She keeps repeating to me that there is nothing left.
Today, I came closest to pleading. I want us to have a chance. More time to see if something would heal. But now its time I accept its over. I can have no expectations , because its killing me.
I feel low, very low. Unable to get out of bed, unwilling to go to work. I feel terrible that my boy has to see this. I feel like crying. But I don’t want to go down a path where I pity myself.
My little boy overheard some of the struggle. And he must feel so lost. So unsure of whats happening. I can’t do this to him.
I am falling through a endless void. Desperately hoping that this feeling will end. I need to have more friends I can reach out to. Friends I will grow with. I need to start building my life. But I need people . Fresh people. Something I am excited about.
My heart is so broken today. I was fighting the impossible.