Recovering from heartbreak

Fighting for my marriage

How I have been fighting for my marriage?

So far, my focus was to show my wife

  1. I love her and that saving my marriage is important to me.
  2. I acknowledge all that was wrong with our marriage.
  3. I am trying to be a better and happier man.

None of those things were an act. I whole-heartedly feel that something within me is changing. I do have many moments where my mindset reverts back to how I have always looked at life. Negative and sad. But I suppose, thats to be expected, I am after all, in the midst of a heart-wrenching separation with my wife.

I hug her in the morning, and I give her a kiss goodnight on the fore-head. She seems cold and unsure on some days, on others, she holds me, somewhat. I do this to underscore, that she is loved.

I hug her and hold her when she is going through her lows. But the only real concern I have heard from her does not involve the quality of our marriage. So all the evidence concerned, we are a month into our “reconciliation”, I don’t see much change in her. She is focused on finding work, and from what I can tell, nothing has changed in her heart regarding me.

The two opposing points of view

My friends fall in two camps. One camp pushes me to keep trying to win my wife back. They feel the hurt woman in my wife, will heal eventually, and return my love. The other warns me that its over, and I must try my best to prepare and move on. They think that nothing will bring back my wife. And I flip-flop between those mindsets, but mostly, I am for fighting for my marriage.

Why? Because, I still love her. Because, we need to give it more time before we can just throw it away. And most importantly, for the sake of the little boy we brought into this world, we need to try and save our union.

I focus on moving on, largely, from the perspective, of becoming an independent man. Emotionally and practically. Having something to fill up my life with something other than my role as husband.

But in my journey so far, one thing is certain. Nothing I am doing is having much of an impact on my wife. Not the helping around the house, not the helping around with my son, or just being an overall positive person. All those things seem to not be causing any change of heart for her.

I am now of the opinion that I have to pull away a little more. I have to be invested in my marriage, but curb my show of affection and love. I wonder how she perceives my love for her. Is it seen as an act of desperation? Do I take a small step back?

I have resolved that I will hold back my physical acts of affection. Instead, continue to be present and mindful. At the end of the day, what I see as a affectionate hug, may be for her, a wasted and desperate act. I would not want to re-inforce that mindset.

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Fighting for my marriage”

    1. Hi JH,
      Firstly thanks for commenting. I will be honest, I feel very lonely, and I am glad I have someone who is reading my blog.

      I have had many conversations with her. And she told me that she is gone. Checked out a long time ago. So my only hope is to re-kindle some love and attraction in her. That I know. But how? That part I am just feeling my way through.

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      1. It sounds like if she has told you she’s checked out, as heartbreaking as that might be, she is wanting you to check out too. If it was me and I’d checked out of the relationship with my husband I would feel a bit smothered like he was ignoring my boundaries if he tried to give me affection, but that’s just me. A woman’s point of view 😉 For me, the husband would need to proper leave. Then I might have enough distance to realise if I missed them, but the risk is I might realise I am happier now they have given me my space.

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    2. Yeah, you are mostly right. A big part of me feels that I can’t win this by being ever-present and loving. The time for that is long gone. Hence I was thinking about more space. We are co-parenting, and she is still living in the same house, and financially dependent on me. So its confusing.

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      1. I found this quote:-
        “Marriage is not 50-50; divorce is 50-50. Marriage has to be 100-100. It isn’t dividing everything in half, but giving everything you’ve got!” -Dave Willis.
        Perhaps she would be open to you agreeing on how you would like to both become independent of each other (i.e. both financially self-sufficient) and be the best parents too.

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      2. Very very true , i treated my marriage as 50-50. Bad idea! It needed a kind of everyday sacrifice outof love that I couldnt do. Thats what we are trying now, I am trying to help her be self sufficient. And this way we might have a chance at co parenting in a friendly way

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      3. If she’s checked out emotionally, it’s only fair that she takes the practical steps too. If I checked out from my husband emotionally, I wouldn’t still try to live with him and have him support me financially. This might be another contributing factor to keeping you in limbo.

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  1. Several things. No woman who is a stay at home committed mom, (nurturer), would be so unaffected by your repeated efforts.
    1. What factors lead to her tuning out? List that down. With or without her help.
    2. Showing feelings and gestures doesn’t work. If it is genuine, she will feel it. Remove the constant judging from it. Expect nothing. That damage has already been done I presume?
    3. If she wants to work, let her. She wants a change. If your love is true, not affected by upcoming financial pressures, then she will respond.
    4. You focus on doing what is right for her, the child, and the marriage, rest will fall into place. Talk about your genuine thoughts with her and ask her about her thoughts. One day she will reply.
    5. Time: There is no prescription for relationships as in if you do this and that thrice a day for a week, it will repair forever. A long term change has to happen (not shown) on both sides.

    Don’t you think you’ll know better by spending just calm quality time at home, with the family, without asking friends? No ones knows what is right for you except you. See if you can ignore the stress, and use all your energy on doing the right thing even if it wears you out. Maybe all she needs is a break from being worn out? If your son is about 5-7 years old, then it’s a lot of work right there and just pitch in.
    Btw: strategies don’t work. There is no how to. How do I know? Been through it. Sorry if I sound abrupt, but I’m just listing things in short . And I’m breaking my own rule against long comments here. Praying for you guys! Best wishes always, and thank you for trying to do. Remove the word trying my friend, and as Nike says: Just Do It!

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    1. You have no idea what it means to me to hear that from you. Thanks for sharing that with me. I am helping around the house. Dishes , my boy, cleaning, cooking. Anything I can. You are right, right now my mind is circling strategies, and plans. But I am also going through a profound process of self discovery. I too was lost in my marriage. Thanks so much for your prayers, it means a lot to me

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  2. Going through the same situation and I can empathize with your feeling very lonely and isolated. I am also trying everything I can possibly think of but mostly it seems to not be reciprocated or acknowledged. It makes it so hard to continue to work at this but I guess it is the only way forward. All I can say is keep on going it is better to try and fail than to do nothing at all.

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