How I have been fighting for my marriage?
So far, my focus was to show my wife
- I love her and that saving my marriage is important to me.
- I acknowledge all that was wrong with our marriage.
- I am trying to be a better and happier man.
None of those things were an act. I whole-heartedly feel that something within me is changing. I do have many moments where my mindset reverts back to how I have always looked at life. Negative and sad. But I suppose, thats to be expected, I am after all, in the midst of a heart-wrenching separation with my wife.
I hug her in the morning, and I give her a kiss goodnight on the fore-head. She seems cold and unsure on some days, on others, she holds me, somewhat. I do this to underscore, that she is loved.
I hug her and hold her when she is going through her lows. But the only real concern I have heard from her does not involve the quality of our marriage. So all the evidence concerned, we are a month into our “reconciliation”, I don’t see much change in her. She is focused on finding work, and from what I can tell, nothing has changed in her heart regarding me.
The two opposing points of view
My friends fall in two camps. One camp pushes me to keep trying to win my wife back. They feel the hurt woman in my wife, will heal eventually, and return my love. The other warns me that its over, and I must try my best to prepare and move on. They think that nothing will bring back my wife. And I flip-flop between those mindsets, but mostly, I am for fighting for my marriage.
Why? Because, I still love her. Because, we need to give it more time before we can just throw it away. And most importantly, for the sake of the little boy we brought into this world, we need to try and save our union.
I focus on moving on, largely, from the perspective, of becoming an independent man. Emotionally and practically. Having something to fill up my life with something other than my role as husband.
But in my journey so far, one thing is certain. Nothing I am doing is having much of an impact on my wife. Not the helping around the house, not the helping around with my son, or just being an overall positive person. All those things seem to not be causing any change of heart for her.
I am now of the opinion that I have to pull away a little more. I have to be invested in my marriage, but curb my show of affection and love. I wonder how she perceives my love for her. Is it seen as an act of desperation? Do I take a small step back?
I have resolved that I will hold back my physical acts of affection. Instead, continue to be present and mindful. At the end of the day, what I see as a affectionate hug, may be for her, a wasted and desperate act. I would not want to re-inforce that mindset.