Ten years of being a sole provider for my family have left me a little rusty. I don’t feel like a proud full blooded man. I am lost when it comes to what it will take to feel like a better man. Whats the best version of me?
When I look at myself in the mirror now, I see a tired face. All the memories of not carrying through on my endeavors leave me with a sagging level of confidence. I suppose we are the result of our collective experiences, our victories and our failings. More importantly, we remember, how we held ourselves up in difficult times.
I believe I need a lot more experiences of the boundary-pushing variety. I believe I need to break down my own walls. Every vague negative reason that I have given myself to not try something. Every feeling of discomfort and every judgmental attitude, I will need to cast aside.
I made excuses to not try harder. I always had some other thing in life holding me back. I always worried too much. I always assumed the worst. And then spent a lot of time worrying about how to avoid it. I rarely stuck to one thing to see the benefits of perseverance. I was very focused on instant gratification. Eating too much, video-games, TV and pornography provided me a steady dose of that.
Engorged on instant gratification leaves little incentive to try to push beyond the easily available. And bit by bit, I destroyed myself. It sounds dramatic, but the slow erosion of your will to overcome life’s gradual decay leads to only one thing – An early demise of your spirit.
I am in my mid 30s. And I can, and I should be at the top of my game. With much soul-searching, I have listed the things I need to work on. And I will post videos and updates on all these challenges, as time progresses.
- Get lean. I want to feel proud when I look in the mirror. I want to be lean. I want everyone to notice that I work out and take very good care of myself. I want to have the outlines of a six-pack ( being realistic ). Not too much body fat ~ 15% body fat.
- Be cool. I have never bothered to dress well. I am a bit of a slob. I want to develop my own sense of fashion. Be well dressed and well groomed. I want to be mindful of my hair, my clothes, my shoes.
- Make a friend. I have had the same friends for over 6-7 years. I want to make new friends. I want to certainly make friends who like to hang out with me, but if possible, I would like to make friends, who I build a meaningful bond with.
- Learn a skill. I want to pick new skills and learn to be good at it. This does not have to be one thing. I have started mountain biking and I have been learning how to dance.
- Revive an old interest. A few years ago, I was working on getting a black belt in Tae-kwondo. I dropped it. It always gave me great satisfaction and it was really challenging. There is always the guitar. I want to learn to play and sing again.
- Be a kind man. I have always been driven and self centered. This is one of my greatest failing. I want to transform my heart to put others before me. I have started volunteering. And devoting my time to my son whole-heartedly.
- Self-Control. I am trying hard to control my consumption of all things that were hedonistically gratifying. I have limited my access to pornography, to TV, and to food. This is a tough one, I keep faltering from time to time.