I am stuck in what looks like a marriage in its death throes. I am still clinging on to hope that I can save it. But my spouse wants to find a job and call it quits. Or at least not commit to anything, till she feels financially free from me.
For more than a month now, my productivity at work has been abysmal. I come to work, and get going at a reasonable enough pace. But within a few hours, I start zoning out. I check the internet for advice, and hope. I write this blog. I find myself lost in thought.
I think a good deal about some of the positive activities I have started engaging in. Although, sometimes, I wonder if its even worth doing those things. Would they really help?
I have to believe that they will. I have to believe that if I find things that excite me and continue doing them consistently, then the improvements I experience and the feeling of accomplishment will give me some sense of satisfaction.
But I constantly second-guess myself. Will the void left behind from a broken marriage be so easily filled?
Besides, what is normal? All the things I normally did, I now see as wasteful. I just hope there is a path ahead where I find myself proud of the man I have become. Proud of what I have achieved – both emotionally and physically. And I will be honest, I hope, at some point in the future, I have someone to share my life and love with.
I know, now,that nothing of that sort will just fall into my lap. That I will have to work towards it. That I will need to overcome that voice in my mind, that is urging me to go home and lie down. The voice that reminds me that nothing will come off these engagements and activities.
If I don’t fight for myself, who will? The only thing separating the living from the dead ( or at least the emotionally dead) is the will to keep engaging life. And the will that life will give something back.