Divorce emasculates you. That being said, I was on steady path to self-emasculation for the latter half of my marriage.
I was driven by fire and passion when I was in my early twenties. I was fit, I was confident, and I was social. I was always complicated, but I had a strong desire to be the best man I could be. I was popular, and I had some amount of self-love.
My marriage was an ultimate achievement for me. I felt the complicated broken person in me was finally made whole. And the fire went out. I was in love, and felt that all my efforts had been fruitful. I let my wife define me. I let my relationship define who I was.
Ten years of that, combined with the pressures of daily life, I let myself go. I stopped finding passion in anything that I cared for. I had excuses why I could find no time for it. I told myself, that life was difficult enough as it was. So I put on close to 25 pounds and hovered at that ballpark for most of the time I was married.
I looked back at the pictures from our marriage, and in all of them, I am slightly portly. Facial fat, couldn’t bother to take care of my hair, in ill-fitting clothes, and definitely packing more than a few extra pounds.
Throughout the years, I told myself, that my pursuits to provide for my family came first. And I lacked the inner discipline to keep my life balanced.
I have been thinking about what it would take a short – overweight man like myself to find love again. I have not grown as a person in the last decade. I can’t quite sing anymore, I can’t quite play the guitar anymore, I don’t like how I look in the mirror, I can’t hold a casual conversation without getting too intense.
I know I am confident. I know I can be very motivated. And thats where I need to start. I want to love myself. I want to do that, regardless of whether my marriage survives. I will have to find that love and never let go.
I need to be able to fuel my life by my interests and passions. I cannot let my spouse define me. I look back at my life, and I find little to say about myself, if I were to ever create a dating profile. Everything I have to say, involves me being a spouse and a father.
If I am ever to find love again, I have to be able to live my life with enthusiasm. I have to be able to compartmentalize my struggles, and live up the highs of things I enjoy.
When this started I was 177 lbs. These are my targets for myself:
- I want to lose about 25 pounds. Be proud of what I see in the mirror.
- I want to rediscover my love for music. I want to do a few open mic nights, if I can
- I want to find excitement in a new pursuit. Likely hiking/Mountain Biking
- I want to dress like a successful confident man. Self-assured in my presence and persona.
Wish me luck.